I am no stranger to confusion… Still, its presence never becomes comfortable. The degree is complete. The long anticipated trip is over. And here it is, my body in the house that I've lived in for nearly 10 years, feeling like a visitor in someone else's skin.
What do I do now? Where do I go?
Pennsylvania is not my home. I followed my husband here 11 years ago when he transferred jobs. He has been gone now for almost five years. I have no concrete or desirable reason to remain here. Every day of my life I wonder why I have stayed as long as I have.
I am tired. I am in a never-ending dance with that familiar confusion. I feel as if I'm half alive.
And what is the solution? Honestly, I don't know. Yet. I haven't given up hope. Not completely, anyway. I have spent the last six years of my life in a virtual whirlwind. It began with his illness and eventual demise and ended a few days ago when I returned from the Caribbean. I walked through my front door, and I literally felt as if I suddenly just stopped. The whirlwind was gone. Hello, confusion.
And now that I am standing still, I realize what the last few years have done to me. I have changed so completely. Perhaps I really am a visitor in someone else's skin…
I am too used to sleeping alone. I buy what I want to when I want to. I go wherever I want to go without anyone's permission. I drink too much when I feel like it… just because I can. I have thicker skin. My heart is somewhat hardened, I'm afraid. Not that that matters; I can't read men anymore, either… It's difficult for me to discern what people are thinking and feeling… because I simply don't care as much as I once did.
I'm sorry for that.
Perhaps now that the whirlwind has ceased, I can find life again. But I know I won't find it here. I want to go home. Sadly, I'm not sure where home is…
I'm pretty sure that's the utmost epitome of the word lost, isn't it? I don't know where I belong. Not exactly, at least.
So, I suppose I'd better come up with a plan. It would behoove me (as he used to say) to do some serious thinking. To figure out what I want and where I want it. The world is just as much mine as it is anyone else's. Thinking in those terms, I suppose I'm not truly lost, after all.
I long for Summer to bring answers. Clear ones. Answers that I can feel through this thick skin of mine. Answers that will lead me home…