My life as a whole has, for the most part, been happy. I was a content, dreamy child. I have always felt compassion and affection toward people in general. This is a characteristic of my spirit that I am grateful for; it has led me down a path of humanitarianism and giving, in my career and in life in general. There are times, however, when I feel the burden of this gift hanging over my head. I have always been a caretaker. I've been a calm, neutral presence in the midst of familial chaos and tragedy. When the proverbial shit hits the fan, I am the one who is usually called upon to either take care of it or make everyone feel better about it. And I always do. I feel obliged to do so.
Sacrifice is often a double-edged sword, I've learned. It has taught me humility and granted me a few pearls of wisdom for future reference. It has also made me a crutch of sorts, one that is leaned upon far too conveniently by some. I cannot help but wonder if I am being taken advantage of at times, especially when I am drained of every ounce of energy and emotion I have left in me. This crutch is ready to snap.
A discernful dream I had last night has made me realize these things. In this dream, I wanted something so badly that I could literally feel the tactile sensation of it underneath my cloak of unconsciousness. Yet, as in waking life, taking what I wanted would ultimately hurt someone else. Even in dreams I am faced with those sacrificial choices. Do I take what I want so badly and be happy, although my happiness may ultimately hurt another? Do I let my own desires slip away only to appease and keep peace? When is enough…. enough? What do you do when someone seems to depend on you and you alone for their contentment? I am not willing to entertain that brand of responsibility.
We are responsible for our own happiness. I know this for certain. I am, as I have always been, a true humanitarian. And I will always be. But I will not be a crutch. The weight of everyone else's needs is simply too much to bear alone.